[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
*goes to the park*
*spoon feeds red bull to the ducks*
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
A spider ran across my foot and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in a men’s Target bathroom.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )