Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
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ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.