If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
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It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.