Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[starbucks]
One tall iced latte please
“Ok, can I have a name?”
Well ok but it really should come from your parents
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.