I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
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Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.