[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
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I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Match dot com, but for socks.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back