An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
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Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
won’t smith
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
I was walking down the street where the houses were numbered, 64k, 128k, 256k, 512k, and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.