5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality