I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
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Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I love art.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha
Me: I don’t get it
Early bird: I do
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.