Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
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Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.