Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
You Might Also Like
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Note to self: always read the final line
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
White Castle for the Win
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*