doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
You Might Also Like
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
me: hi my name is matt and i’m an alcoholic
AAA: sir this is triple A
me: i know i’m explaining why my car’s in the lake
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”