Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
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New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: i have one pretty serious symptom
WebMD: that you know of
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie