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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?