Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
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told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
When a cop gently helps you in his car, promises you an overnighter & talks about bonding, he isn’t taking you on a date… I know this now.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
The Assassin.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.
4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.
Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee