If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
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I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Punctuation Matters. Period.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!