Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
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I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.