Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
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[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
12. I think about this all the damn time
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
bias laundering edition
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?