pictures of spider-man
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Fight
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Personal question. #JustSaying
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers