I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
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Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?