wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
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When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
Sing it!
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
how many bears make up a bear minimum