a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
You Might Also Like
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
🤭😂
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
How to find Kentucky on a map
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.