fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
You Might Also Like
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?