Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
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Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Your secret is safeish with me
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.
When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!