You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
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a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
he’s doing your taxes
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk