Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
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Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
You learn something every day
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
@funTweeters I am at your service….
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
How can I say no to this ?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.