I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
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I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Yup!
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now