I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
Stick it to the man
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money