There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
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At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
Have a lovely day 😊
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”