You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Cndnsd Mlk
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Me (seductively looking at a potato): would mash.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses