My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
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Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
birds and squirrels envy us
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Idea for a ghost hunting show: have calm people investigate shit
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
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Me: Same
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
This classic never gets old . . .
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*