[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Put a ring on it
Doctor: *taps knee with mallet* feel that?
Me: No
Doctor: or this? *jabs toe with a pin*
Me: Nah
Doctor: Just as I suspected. This is my leg
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
my wife: they don’t want you to bring anything to thanksgiving dinner
me, right in the middle of making turkey flavored ice cream: why not?