Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.