WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
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I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
How funny!
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.