I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
cry laughing at this shit
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”