girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Meat Cute
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that鈥檚 not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that鈥檚 not me. i don鈥檛 like you
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I鈥檝e been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn鈥檛 you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to