My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”