Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
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I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
When ur friends with white people
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Close call…
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.