Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
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As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
Anyone really
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me