I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
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This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.