Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
A roof is a house hat.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.