Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
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What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
That lamp looks PISSED.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously