Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
this is the news I live for
Oh deer
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.