Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
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[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet