You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
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Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I鈥檓 offering a reward for its safe return.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I鈥檒l allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 馃槶馃ズ馃グ (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 馃槀
Gosh I love her sooo much 鈥硷笍
Don鈥檛 be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Apples to apples? You鈥檙e not a very good wizard.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I know I couldn鈥檛 handle being in a position of power because when I鈥檓 the banker in Monopoly I steal money
You don鈥檛 need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Dance like your kid isn鈥檛 secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.