*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
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Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
can’t bark with your mouth full
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously