What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
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Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.