A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories