Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
this independent good boy don’t need no human
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
based al yankovic
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim