[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
This made me smile…
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[To Police Sketch Artist]
Me: “Black female…
5’3ish…
Brunette…
Curvy but not fat. Athletic, I guess…
Good sense of humor…
No kids — no divorcees either. Umm.. Must like dogs?…”Sketch Artist:…
Me: “Why have you stopped drawing?”
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
first you must answer his riddles
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill